hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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