I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
