1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
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