It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
