I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize