he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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