Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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