Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
