Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
