i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
bring money and cleavage
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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