Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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