Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
