I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
