I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
