Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
