I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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