his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she smelled like a LAN party
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
