A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
