Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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