I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
