Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
