there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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