he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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