Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
