You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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