3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
