I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
