this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
