Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
