I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
