: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
