My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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