Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize