booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
