i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
