ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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