I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
