listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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