I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
