It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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