my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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