i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
