I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
