what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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