Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
