I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
