I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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