He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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