the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
