Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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