I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize