i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
