we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
