Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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