I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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