We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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